Thoughts

Words are Sexy: Using erotica to improve your sex life

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October 3  |  BDSM, Book Publications, eBooks, erotic romance, News, Thoughts  |   Kay Jaybee

Over the years I’ve written about the importance of communicating your desires for various websites, magazines and blogposts. It’s been a while since I shared such thoughts here, however. Time to put that right…

against-the-wall

Everyone likes to be told that they’re beautiful or handsome.

Who wouldn’t want to hear a lover, or a potential lover, say that they could get lost in your eyes, or that you have an amazing body?

Doesn’t it feel amazing when someone’s expression alone tells you that they could stare at your chest all day, and that they dream of caressing your butt at the most inappropriate of moments?

These compliments, spoken or blatantly unspoken, can frequently be a front to hidden desires beneath.

When you tell someone, ‘I’ve been thinking about your butt all day,’ did you actually want to say, ‘I can’t stop thinking about licking your arse’, or ‘I want to spank your butt until its bright red and you’re begging for me to fuck you’, or even, ‘I can’t stop fantasizing about having anal sex with you?’

Taking the leap from making a flattering or suggestive remark to communicating your deepest sexual desires and fantasies can be a daunting or embarrassing prospect. Many couples go through their entire lives without ever being brave enough to tell each other what they’d really like to happen within their sex lives.

dirty-mind

So, how can this barrier of blushes be breached?

Read some erotica. There is a massive array of wonderfully sexy stories available, suiting all genres, tastes, and sexual orientations. Start by reading a sexy story on your own. See what story lines work for you, find your secret fantasises in written form, and maybe discover new ones. Try reading your favourite parts of a story out to yourself; this can help you to build up your confidence, and become more relaxed about telling your lover what you’d like.

Once you’ve found what sends you into masturbation mode, then it’s time to tell your partner about it. Start by saying that you’ve found a great story that you’d really like to share with them. If you feel brave enough, read it out loud to them. Reading to someone is a sexy experience in its own right, and saying sexual words aloud can be a huge turn on.

hugs-sexy

However, if you can’t bring yourself to speak the dirty words you want to share, don’t despair. Mark the start and end of the piece you want your loved one to see, and encourage them to read it to themselves. Stay close while they’re reading, caress their skin, do something familiar that you already know they’ll enjoy- who knows what might happen next…

If you yearn to be tied and beaten, but you aren’t sure how your lover will respond to this request, start by finding erotic stories concerning light bondage and the occasional slap- then build up slowly to your true desires. (Maybe start with something like A Sticky Situation, before moving on to full on BDSM, such as The Voyeur)

Rather than be repulsed by learning what their partners secretly want, sharing erotica has been shown to help create a private environment of trust, lowered inhibitions, and a mutual sharing of ideas and desires.

naughty-bed

Although taking the initial step towards telling your partner what you’d like in the bedroom (or anywhere for that matter) maybe daunting, research has shown that it can lead to a fuller, happier, and far more exciting sex life.

Happy reading,

Kay xx

text-me

 

 

 

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Bad Year?

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July 12  |  News, Thoughts  |   Kay Jaybee

When I launched this web site I warned you that every now and again I would have a little moan- vent my spleen as it were. I have resisted however, as no one likes a moaner. There is nothing worse than listening to someone with ‘poor bugger me’ syndrome, acting as if they were the downtrodden heroine directly from the pages of a Catherine Cookson novel.

Yet- and you know what I’m about to say – I need a little moan. To off load. Perhaps you will indulge me; I promise I’ll be a good girl and never do it again.

So, last night I was sat at my desk at 1.30am, eating cookies, and writing. As I sat, I watched my daughter’s pet cockroaches do their very best to multiply in number against the side of their tank, wondering what else this year is going to throw at me.

Details would simply bore you, but in a nutshell- I’ve lost friends to nasty diseases, lost a large part of my hearing, had health scares, and had so many other minor things ‘going wrong’ that 2011 just seems to have decided to be the year typified by a slow drip of crap.

The reason for my late night writing session? Yesterday I was informed that due to a work ‘in house’ shake up, my main job has been re-deployed. This is management speak for giving away my job to the bosses wife. To say I have been left both shocked and feeling worthless by the people I respected doesn’t even cover it. The removal of my income doesn’t help either!

As a writer you’d think I’d be used to rejection. Every one of us has to learn to cope with being told our work isn’t good enough on occasion; and a thick skin has to be developed. At least- a thick skin has to ‘be seen to be’ developed. Most of us, if we are honest, will feel knocked when something we have worked over, sweated blood over, is turned down. Yet, we all carry on regardless, though our writing puts next to no money in our pockets, and no food on the table. Writing is an addiction, and we have to cope with all its draw backs.

Of course, a certain amount of rejection is good for us. It makes us work harder, refines our skill and hones our craft – it still stinks though!

Losing my job doesn’t compare to the loss of friends or ill health worries; and perhaps it is a blessing in disguise. I’ll have more time to write, although I fear I’ll have to give up my cushy life of writing in coffee shops, as my means of paying for the aforementioned beverage has so unexpectedly been taken away. Still, it was about time I did the de-caffeine thing.

So, enough of me harping on! By 2am last night, I realised that if I wanted to have any chance of relaxing enough to sleep, then it was time to accentuate the positives!

Writing wise, 2011 hasn’t been so bad. My first novel came out (The Perfect Submissive), as did my anthology Yes Ma’am. I have a host of short stories coming out, and Xcite are patiently awaiting the completion of my next novel. Not only that, but I’ve made a few appearances at the wonderful Sh! Women’s Stores in London to read from my erotica. (Next show is a Gay/Lesbian night on 6th Aug- details soon!)

There is no doubt that writing is an amazing gift. It allows us to collect our minds, soothe our souls, and gather our thoughts. We can rage out our anger and our hurt, without hurting others. We can stamp our metaphorical feet as we wipe away the invisible tears.

Even starting this blog at stupid o’clock in the morning helped me, and I can feel myself calming down at last after my nasty shock. I have no idea how I’ll pay my way over the next few months, but I guess I will because I always do. I have been overwhelmed by the well wishing messages and offers of help I have received from fellow writers and editors today- I appreciate every single one.

Tomorrow the smile will be back on, the upper lip will be starched, and I will continue to follow the wise words of Mr Churchill.

‘I will KBO.’

‘KBO?  You ask?’

 Keep Buggering On!!

 

 

 

So, who are you then?

8 Comments
January 17  |  Thoughts  |   Kay Jaybee

For the past 30+ years I’ve been me. Quite shy, very ordinary in my daily (usually coffee stained), jeans and jumpers. Average height, average weight, average shoe size, and no make up.

For the past 6 years I’ve also been Kay Jaybee. Quite talkative, with an imagination that would make the staunchest voyeur blush , short skirts, stockings, and knee high boots – although still of average height, average shoe size, and no make up.

So – which one is me? I confess there are more and more days when the lines between the two ‘me’s’ are blurred.

I have good friends who have no idea that I write sex scenes all morning. To them I’m exactly the person they have always known- wife, mother, administrator, and lover of all things historical.

Via trips to read my stories at the wonderful Sh! Women’s stores, and through the miracle of email and Facebook, I have made some amazing friends within the world of erotica. These good folk only know me as Kay Jaybee – wife, mother, writer of all styles of kink, and lover of all things sexy.

Then there are the friends and family in the middle. Those special people that it would have been unthinkable not to tell what I do for a living. Who am I to those people?

It was been noticed, and commented on recently, by more than one of them, that I have greater confidence these days; that I laugh more, say riskier things, make people laugh more often, and even shock them. Then suddenly, sometimes in mid flow, I’ll disappear back into my shell and sit back, being the one who observes. The quiet one who takes it all in – the person I’ve always been.

Back in 2008 the wonderful Jeremy Edwards described my life as having something of the Superman about it. Not that he was suggesting I could leap buildings in a single bound or anything. Jeremy told me he had this image of me dropping my children off at school, and then, as I walk towards the cafe where I always write, undergoing some sort of mental and physical transformation.

He imagined me walking taller, my head higher, I’d smile knowingly at strangers- my personality almost totally changing, – as if I was entering a telephone box as Clark Kent and coming out a Superhero. The thing is; Jeremy was almost right.

As Kay I do walk taller, and I am so much braver. I have done things I’d never thought I’d do,  and visited places I never thought I’d go to. I’ve read totally dirty stories out loud to complete strangers. I have supped champagne with the editors of publishing houses and porn magazines, and I’ve discussed sex toys and the benefits of lube while eating pizza in a crowded restaurant. The real me would never do any of that – would never have done that…

Which brings me to the point of these musings – One of my aforementioned long term  friends asked me recently, a perplexed expression on his furrowed face, ‘So, who are you then?’ The very fact of my ‘Kay-ness’ confusing him greatly in the face of years of evidence totting up to make me the least likely eroticist on the planet.

Who am I?  A good question.

Am I Kay hiding behind the guise of a respectable housewife, mum, and part time administrator?

Am I ‘me’ hiding behind the extrovert writer of smut? The girl who writes down words she’d never ever use in conversation?

I couldn’t answer his question. I often haven’t a clue who I’m supposed to be from one day to the next- but then, who does?! At least I’m lucky enough to have the luxury of choice. To have a brave persona to let me do the things I would never have the courage to do without good old Kay!

So- in answer to your question dear friend of mind- I’m me- mostly…

Welcome to 2011

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December 31  |  News, Thoughts, Web & Magazine Publications  |   Kay Jaybee

Well, here it is; 2011..a Brand New Year!

What better way to begin it, than with a beautiful new antique pine desk covered in fresh untouched notebooks (thoughtfully provided by Father Christmas), a brain positively bursting with kinky ideas, five forthcoming publications (I’ll have to keep you in suspense about those for a while though!!), and – best of all- a gorgeous spanking new web site!!

Designed and set up by the wonderful Lucy Felthouse, you can use these web pages to see my latest news, book, e-book, web and magazine publications, and even say ‘Hello’ to me on my fresh and shiny comments page.

Once a month I’ll be airing some of my thoughts on writing erotica, and what inspires me when creating my naughty tales. As a special treat for my web launch, I’ve shared a beautiful erotic sketch with you. It’s the perfect picture to kick start your imagination. – Check out the introduction to the ‘Thoughts’ page, and take a peak.

If you fancy a touch of erotica with your New Year’s celebrations, why not check out The New Year Dancers; my sex slave story, which features on the first page of the Oysters and Chocolate web site for 2011! here’s a little taster…

The New Years Dancers

Shivering against the frost covered branch. I wrapped the shawl tighter around my shoulders, thankful for the fleece, thick trousers and thermal gloves I’d had the foresight to put on. Ungainly in my bulky attire, I took comfort in the knowledge that buried beneath it all lay an exquisite silk camisole and matching knickers. Their soft hidden presence made me feel even more secretive as I sat, silently hunched, in the bows of a giant oak tree. Waiting. 

New Years Eve. I should have been drinking, dancing and laughing with my friends, waiting for the stroke of midnight, but I‘d cried off the party. I had to know if it was true. There’d been rumours for years. I’d grown up listening to them; always making sure I was within ear shot, but out of sight. Now, as the New Year approached, my skin glistened with damp air and anticipation, as my eyes searched the clearing below me for any signs of life. I glanced at my watch. 11.30pm. Disappointment crept over me. Maybe it was all some sort of weird joke. Perhaps I’d got the wrong place. Ten more minutes and I’d give it up.   Faint at first, the eerie sound of a flute wafted through the trees. I pushed my back against the oak’s trunk and held my breath…

Happy New Year All xx