So, who are you then?

January 17  |  Thoughts  |   Kay Jaybee

For the past 30+ years I’ve been me. Quite shy, very ordinary in my daily (usually coffee stained), jeans and jumpers. Average height, average weight, average shoe size, and no make up.

For the past 6 years I’ve also been Kay Jaybee. Quite talkative, with an imagination that would make the staunchest voyeur blush , short skirts, stockings, and knee high boots – although still of average height, average shoe size, and no make up.

So – which one is me? I confess there are more and more days when the lines between the two ‘me’s’ are blurred.

I have good friends who have no idea that I write sex scenes all morning. To them I’m exactly the person they have always known- wife, mother, administrator, and lover of all things historical.

Via trips to read my stories at the wonderful Sh! Women’s stores, and through the miracle of email and Facebook, I have made some amazing friends within the world of erotica. These good folk only know me as Kay Jaybee – wife, mother, writer of all styles of kink, and lover of all things sexy.

Then there are the friends and family in the middle. Those special people that it would have been unthinkable not to tell what I do for a living. Who am I to those people?

It was been noticed, and commented on recently, by more than one of them, that I have greater confidence these days; that I laugh more, say riskier things, make people laugh more often, and even shock them. Then suddenly, sometimes in mid flow, I’ll disappear back into my shell and sit back, being the one who observes. The quiet one who takes it all in – the person I’ve always been.

Back in 2008 the wonderful Jeremy Edwards described my life as having something of the Superman about it. Not that he was suggesting I could leap buildings in a single bound or anything. Jeremy told me he had this image of me dropping my children off at school, and then, as I walk towards the cafe where I always write, undergoing some sort of mental and physical transformation.

He imagined me walking taller, my head higher, I’d smile knowingly at strangers- my personality almost totally changing, – as if I was entering a telephone box as Clark Kent and coming out a Superhero. The thing is; Jeremy was almost right.

As Kay I do walk taller, and I am so much braver. I have done things I’d never thought I’d do,  and visited places I never thought I’d go to. I’ve read totally dirty stories out loud to complete strangers. I have supped champagne with the editors of publishing houses and porn magazines, and I’ve discussed sex toys and the benefits of lube while eating pizza in a crowded restaurant. The real me would never do any of that – would never have done that…

Which brings me to the point of these musings – One of my aforementioned long term  friends asked me recently, a perplexed expression on his furrowed face, ‘So, who are you then?’ The very fact of my ‘Kay-ness’ confusing him greatly in the face of years of evidence totting up to make me the least likely eroticist on the planet.

Who am I?  A good question.

Am I Kay hiding behind the guise of a respectable housewife, mum, and part time administrator?

Am I ‘me’ hiding behind the extrovert writer of smut? The girl who writes down words she’d never ever use in conversation?

I couldn’t answer his question. I often haven’t a clue who I’m supposed to be from one day to the next- but then, who does?! At least I’m lucky enough to have the luxury of choice. To have a brave persona to let me do the things I would never have the courage to do without good old Kay!

So- in answer to your question dear friend of mind- I’m me- mostly…

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8 Responses to So, who are you then?

  1. Wicked post, lovely lady.

    I hope I’m one of the few that gets to see both of your ‘sides’ – and just for the record, I think they’re both awesome!

    Also laughed at the comment about discussing lube in a crowded pizza restaurant. Good times! 😉

    • Kay Jaybee says:

      Quite right lovely Lucy; you were indeed one of those in my mind as I wrote. Oh, and that pizza meal was a good one!

  2. Shar says:

    “All the masks you wear are you,” someone once said to me. I think it’s not so much creating another persona as uncovering aspects that had been lying dormant. We’re different with everybody–I’m different as a daughter and a teacher and a mother and a writer and a rider and a friend and a lover. But I’m always me. Different people see different facts of the jewel, that’s all.

  3. k d grace says:

    I think all of us smutters live with the split. Then I think at some point, we discover that maybe there really isn’t a split at all, but rather through our writing, we are healing the split, bringing the two halve together to make a whole.

    Enjoyed this very much, Kay.

    K D

  4. Oh dear Kay how thoroughly I can relate to this post. Nicely said. Isn’t it just wonderful to have an alter ego who is so sexy and confident?

  5. Terrific essay, Kay! I love hearing about the positive effect of your alternate identity on your original identity. (And I love the detail that *neither* of you wears makeup.)

    Along the lines of what Shar pointed out, a character/narrator of mine says that “I think identity is a lot like hit-or-miss photography. We keep taking pictures of ourselves, in different outfits and lighting and contexts, hoping for a likeness that resonates… and of course the actual person is infinitely kinetic and complex, and can never quite be captured as a concept, even by himself.” [Sorry for the gender-biased pronoun; in the context of the story, the character is talking about himself first and foremost.]