brave

Words are Sexy: Using erotica to improve your sex life

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October 3  |  BDSM, Book Publications, eBooks, erotic romance, News, Thoughts  |   Kay Jaybee

Over the years I’ve written about the importance of communicating your desires for various websites, magazines and blogposts. It’s been a while since I shared such thoughts here, however. Time to put that right…

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Everyone likes to be told that they’re beautiful or handsome.

Who wouldn’t want to hear a lover, or a potential lover, say that they could get lost in your eyes, or that you have an amazing body?

Doesn’t it feel amazing when someone’s expression alone tells you that they could stare at your chest all day, and that they dream of caressing your butt at the most inappropriate of moments?

These compliments, spoken or blatantly unspoken, can frequently be a front to hidden desires beneath.

When you tell someone, ‘I’ve been thinking about your butt all day,’ did you actually want to say, ‘I can’t stop thinking about licking your arse’, or ‘I want to spank your butt until its bright red and you’re begging for me to fuck you’, or even, ‘I can’t stop fantasizing about having anal sex with you?’

Taking the leap from making a flattering or suggestive remark to communicating your deepest sexual desires and fantasies can be a daunting or embarrassing prospect. Many couples go through their entire lives without ever being brave enough to tell each other what they’d really like to happen within their sex lives.

dirty-mind

So, how can this barrier of blushes be breached?

Read some erotica. There is a massive array of wonderfully sexy stories available, suiting all genres, tastes, and sexual orientations. Start by reading a sexy story on your own. See what story lines work for you, find your secret fantasises in written form, and maybe discover new ones. Try reading your favourite parts of a story out to yourself; this can help you to build up your confidence, and become more relaxed about telling your lover what you’d like.

Once you’ve found what sends you into masturbation mode, then it’s time to tell your partner about it. Start by saying that you’ve found a great story that you’d really like to share with them. If you feel brave enough, read it out loud to them. Reading to someone is a sexy experience in its own right, and saying sexual words aloud can be a huge turn on.

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However, if you can’t bring yourself to speak the dirty words you want to share, don’t despair. Mark the start and end of the piece you want your loved one to see, and encourage them to read it to themselves. Stay close while they’re reading, caress their skin, do something familiar that you already know they’ll enjoy- who knows what might happen next…

If you yearn to be tied and beaten, but you aren’t sure how your lover will respond to this request, start by finding erotic stories concerning light bondage and the occasional slap- then build up slowly to your true desires. (Maybe start with something like A Sticky Situation, before moving on to full on BDSM, such as The Voyeur)

Rather than be repulsed by learning what their partners secretly want, sharing erotica has been shown to help create a private environment of trust, lowered inhibitions, and a mutual sharing of ideas and desires.

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Although taking the initial step towards telling your partner what you’d like in the bedroom (or anywhere for that matter) maybe daunting, research has shown that it can lead to a fuller, happier, and far more exciting sex life.

Happy reading,

Kay xx

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Looking Back at 2014 Part 1: Beating the Fear- and Sweating a Bit

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January 1  |  News  |   Kay Jaybee

Happy New Year!!!

I hope you’ve had a wonderful Christmas, and are looking forward to a wonderful 2015.

As usual, the start of a New Year always makes me look back at the one just past. SO much has happened!! Tomorrow I’ll be looking back at my writing year- today however, I’m raising a glass to a friend who in 2014- literally- saved my butt!!

Happy New Year 2015

Any of you who follow my blog will know that for my New Years resolution for 2014 (okay I’m asking a lot for you to remember last January!)- was that I was to try and be just a little bit braver. I would be the first to admit that I haven’t done many things in my life that I’d really like to have tried because, frankly, I was scared, lacked the confidence, and have big shyness issues. (Yes- really!)

My biggest fear of all is ‘the gym’- in fact, anything sports related. Like at least half of the children of High School age, I wasn’t very good at sport. I was the child that got picked last for teams, was teased by staff and students alike, and belittled. Every single minute of my daily hour of PE was pure humiliating hell. Okay- so that was a long time ago now- but bullying of any sort casts a long shadow.

The consequence of this is that I have never set foot in a gym, and have had major panic attacks each time I’ve attempted to join any exercise  class. I tried a yoga class last year. The teacher was great, I went with a good friend- I felt well out of my depth, but I survived- but then I cried for 4 hours straight afterwards and never went back.

Every time I get close to trying to join in with anything exercise based I just fall to pieces. Mother Nature however, had obviously had enough of me wimping out, because in December 2013 she decided to take matters into her own hands and give me a medical reason for having to go to a gym. I won’t bore you with the details, but basically, my butt muscles don’t work properly- somewhat ironic for an erotica writer perhaps!!!

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It took me weeks and weeks to get up the courage to even take up the invitation from my lovely friend Topsy, who runs  a local gym, to even visit and just look around. Then it took another month for him (and myself) to slowly build up my own confidence to do more than look. Then, last May I went- I did it- for ten minutes only, with Topsy looking after me- I went to the gym. I went on the treadmill, I went on the cycle- and I did it. I didn’t cry,  I didn’t panic, and I didn’t run away.

This probably sounds feeble to you- but to me this is a major achievement. Not only did I overcome a fear that has haunted me since I was 11 years old, but after several months of hard work, it means that I feel so much better. Not just physically, but mentally as well.

gym quote 1

While I will never be a sporty person, (nor would I want to be), it no longer terrifies me! Not only that, but I’ve made some lovely new friends, always have a laugh- even when I’m being tied into some knots which Miss Sarah from The Perfect Submissive would be proud of!! She would certainly endorse Topsy’s P.A.L technique- Pain Assisted Learning!!!

I think it’s only fair to say that Topsy has, not only been kindness itself, but has- quite literally- saved my butt in 2014!!

So after that major life change, what will be my New Year’s Resolution this year? Well- I’ll probably be pushing it- but I am going to attempt to learn the art of saying ‘No’…. That is going to be one hell of a challenge!!!!

Happy New Year lovely reader friends- come back tomorrow for a round up of my writing year.

Happy reading

Kay xxxxx

 

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Being Braver

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March 2  |  Book Publications, eBooks, News  |   Kay Jaybee

It doesn’t seem a minute since I made my New Years resolution for 2014, and yet here we are in March. Although I can honestly say I haven’t yet broken my resolution, until recently I hadn’t really done much about keeping it either.

I know you are going to find this hard to believe- but I’m rather shy, and self confidence and I have never really seen eye to eye.  (I can hear you disagreeing with me from here- but I promise you, it’s true!) The result of this is that I’m not terribly brave. This means there are lots of things I’d love to do, which I haven’t done because I live in fear of looking stupid, being laughed at, and basically failing in some way.

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So, what was my resolution for 2014? Quiet simply, I need to be braver.

This year I am determined to stop being such a coward- because frankly, cowards miss out on stuff!

I don’t want to do anything major- there will be no scaling of Mount Everest or jumping from an aeroplane at 40,000ft. I  just don’t want to look back on my life in 20 years and think, I wish I’d at least had a go.

So what was the first thing I did to take me out of my comfort zone. Well- last night I went out for a meal. How unremarkable you may think- but as I only go out about twice a year in a non writer capacity, this was something of an event. Especially because I went out with one friend, and 10 other people who I’d never met before. I was really nervous- but thought I could hardly moan about never going out or not knowing anyone if, when an opportunity to go out and meet people comes up, I chicken out.

Of course, I needn’t have worried- a more lovely group of gals you couldn’t wish too meet, and I’m sure they’d be amazed to know that I was so nervous – especially after my friend quickly announced what I do for a living! Within half an hour several copies of The Perfect Submissive had been downloaded onto their phones, and the first few lines were being read out across the restaurant table!! Thanks girls- all support very much appreciated!!

The Per Sub- new rope

So what’s next on the being braver list?- EROTION 2014 of course!!

I am so looking forward to getting together with all my writing peers and friends for this years conference in Bristol. (7th-9th March).

I enjoyed every second of the last two “Eroticons”- this year however, I won’t be confined to the safety of the audience- but will be crossing to the front of the room to talk!!!

The lovely Ruby Kiddell, conference organiser extraordinaire, has asked me a few times to talk for her- but I’ve always opted out. One of the reasons I gave up being a University tutor all those years ago, was that I lived in fear of my students knowing more than I did. I’d put myself through hell every time I had to give a talk! So when I was asked by the wonderful Lucy Felthouse if I wanted to do a co-run talk with her, my instant thought was- ‘No way- too scary’ Then I thought, ‘Hang on a minute- writing erotica you can do- so why not try- just try….’

If you fancy hearing Lucy and myself giving you all our top tips on how to go from writing short stories to taking the big step into novel writing, then we’d love to see you there. And if that wasn’t enough- I’ll be leaping around with a bag of inspirational bits for Victoria Blisse…you’ll see…

It isn’t too late to get a ticket- all the info and the schedule can be found here- http://writesexright.com/

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I’d better go now- that’s quite enough being brave for one weekend…I need to go and practise (a lot) for Eroticon!!!

Happy reading.

Kay xx

 

See you there…

 

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